Not again! Your CA arrives late to work and is completely unprepared for serving the boat load of clients you have in your appointment book that day. As you reflect on her performance of late you realize that they have been botching appointment times, not finishing paperwork, and missing critical reminders for you to stay on track!
You have warned her about this before and this is the last straw! You march down the hallway and in front of a waiting room of people you throw a pile of overdue paperwork at her desk and start spouting off about how you are sick and tired of this behaviour and they will be fired if they don’t shape up!
You walk back down the hall and prepare to adjust your first client of the day when it dawns on you that perhaps it may be you that is the problem!
At Full Circle Coaching and Consulting we believe that everyone is your mirror. To say that differently, every quality you like and dislike about someone else is simply a reflection of the qualities that you admire and detest about yourself. So if you really want to start changing your relationships then start by changing yourself.
The first step is to recognize when you feel an emotional reaction triggered by another that this is merely a reflection of yourself. Let me repeat that as it is a critical piece to your growth…every emotional response you experience is due to an emotional reaction in your physiology that is a direct trigger from a piece of your life story.
Real growth in your life will occur when you recognize and accept the characteristics that you personally have in others. When you begin to recognize that the things that reflect back at you are simply your own issues you will no longer blame or cast judgment. Rather you will grow by creating more room for acceptance with love and gratitude.
Patterns tend to repeat. We continue to attract lessons that we do not learn and grow from. This applies to our relationships. Can you look back and see similar characteristics in the type of relationships that you have attracted? Often this stands out when it is perceived as more negative.
There was a time when I had a rock star CA that worked for me. She literally did the work of at least 2 CA’s. She was a true expressive driver personality type. The interesting thing was that over a period of several years, we continued to hire support for her and they continually failed at keeping up with her high standards. After a while it became obvious to us that it was not the 5 other individuals that were the problem; rather our “rock-star” kept mirroring the things that she resented in herself and drove people away.
The question is are you attracting the same qualities in your team members that you despise about yourself? Failing to recognize and accept your own flaws as human will keep you on the merry-go-round of attracting the same patterns from the people in your life. This is why many people reading this will acknowledge that they keep attracting similar types of relationships both professionally and personally. If we put this into perspective, the one constant person that is involved in every relationship you have ever been in is you. So that means that every great relationship and every poor relationship has simply been a reflection of you.
So how do we apply this to our current CA dilemma? We must create the change we want to observe in the relationship in ourselves.
The first step is to observe the behaviour that is creating a negative charge for you. Recognize that this is merely a mirror reflecting back at you. Where are you displaying the same behaviour in your own life and how has that served you?
Take action on changing your own behaviour or work through owning the trait. Write down the qualities or behaviours that you perceive as negative in your relationship with your CA. Beside those qualities, write out examples of how and where you displayed the same characteristic in your life. Be specific, write down exactly when you have done the same thing in the past whether it occurred in your family, personal, or professional life. Then identify how that quality has been both positive and negative for you.
During this process you often will identify an underlying belief that is the root of the unwanted quality. Once you have gone through this process use meditation, affirmations, and visualization to start changing the underlying habits, thoughts and actions that created the belief about yourself. You will know that you have created change when you can feel gratitude for the unwanted quality/behaviour. Using this process you will create more acceptance and self love in yourself. When you change yourself you will be amazed at how your relationships will change as well.
In summary, before firing a team member whose actions are constantly frustrating you or making you compromise yourself, look in the mirror to determine which of these are your own to change. The only path to change in your team relationship dynamics is through yourself.
Once you change yourself and your beliefs, you will find your relationships transforming in ways you never thought possible. Ultimately, when you find acceptance and self-love in your inner world you will create and attract it effortlessly in your outer world.
If you want help getting this process started, take advantage of our free coaching calls and clear the baggage standing between where you are and where you want to be.